Faces of pretence

I do wonder if I have imagined all the problems and if I overreact or if I don't know how to handle my emotions and I'm just being a whiny wuss. It's an odd and even vain thing to do, take selfies when you're having a breakdown. But I want this to serve be 'photographic evidence' what it can be like.

The evening began with incredible restlessness and hyperactivity. Then I calmed down but dipped a bit too low. And, I had to drink to feel better but that's never a good idea. I had a breakdown. Then, exhausted and all energy tapped out, I wanted to see if I could smile convincingly. Apparently, I could. People loved the fourth pic. SKS even said I looked hot. 

And that's what I've been thinking about. I can pretend too darned well. I feel like such a hypocrite. But I'm not doing this to harm anyone or with malicious intent, so, I don't think I will care. 

I want to undo things I've done in the last one year. I want to make people believe I'm back to being my old self. Maybe that way I will make myself believe it, too. 

I'm amazed at how easily AS believed me today that he's not responsible for what I've become. I didn't say anything because I'd rather suffer than hurt him. Because I might still be able to deal with it better. Because that's always what it has been like with me. I CANNOT open up. I get paralysed. And I know what a good guy he is. Then he had to mention about the emotions attached and I felt so ashamed. Why don't I feel the same? I don't know what I feel. 

I'm curious about how quickly his demeanour changed once he was sure he isn't the reason or that I'm probably not going anywhere. It was like being our old selves again. The same thing that pushed me till here. The same pretence of understanding when inside I wanted it to just fucking stop. Hardly talking about me. Just listening and sympathising. 

This is how it will always be. 

Kind, generous, talented and useless+inefficient

 Everyone who has anything nice to say about me says how kind, generous and talented I am. How does that help or matter if I'm absolutely shyte at my job? People have only kept me because I'm affable and I give no trouble. 

I haven't completed tasks in the last one year. Everyone's doing well with the processes and organisational things but me. What purpose is my niceness going to serve? It's the most unproductive crap. I can only bring relief to people so that they do well in their careers. I will still lag behind and keep anyone I co-work with behind with me. How long can they drag my weight? C is already struggling with their own issues and I am just being a burden. They end up doing all my tasks, while I sit there useless, with no purpose at all. 

I don't want colleagues to call me kind or sweet or funny. I hope some day they will say I am so efficient and good at my work. But I don't think they ever will have this opportunity. How can I be so dense? How can I not break these things down? 

I cannot not help J

It was a strange meeting with J today. Having S around helped me be a bit more honest about what I think. It's heartbreaking what she is going through. And so messy. I can understand the insecurity and it's scary to even try to imagine myself in her shoes. 

I know I was curt with her. My impatience got the better of me. And I do have a problem with some of her behaviour. We met after more than a year. But I lacked the enthusiasm. I hope I manage to enjoy with her again. 

I did think I will ask her to sort her things out. But I can't abandon her. I cannot let her deal with this by herself. She really has no one. And she needs me. 

I just hope I can draw the line or be mindful of my comfort. It might also be time to take her on a trip. Fingers crossed. 

What am I doing?

What the actual fuck am I doing? There are people who still trust me. Who still think I can do things. Who think I'm reliable or someone they can be like. I wish I had that kind of belief in myself. 

I feel so jaded. I want to scream and tell them the person they know no longer exists. It's just her apparition now. But I can't get myself to disappoint them either. I still care. A lot. Just that this empathy is buried. Under layers of my own misapprehensions and self-doubt. 

I wonder what it will take to pull me out of this. To be my old self again. 

Broke down again today

Wow, what a day! Told everyone whom I must have got worried of late that I woke up happy and felt good, which I did. Then the feelings turned into a bit of hyperactivity. I still felt a bit sleepy but managed to have conversations and work somewhat. 

I felt so good that I forgot I'm on medication that keeps me feeling good. And that was that. Restlessness, edginess, palpitations, and the feeling of being overwhelmed creeped in. Felt a bit settled down after taking meds. 

Then I wanted to get a shut-eye because these feelings exhaust you. Didn't sleep. The Appreciation Circle started. And it's always that one unwanted thought that leads to more such thoughts. At times, imagined scenarios that won't even happen. Even before I could control them or thought of distracting myself, they had built up. 

Guilt. Shame. Self-blame. Feeling useless. One thing after the other and all together. It's like a prick of rusty, dusty nail that can cause sepsis. I had another breakdown. 

Yoga helped, thankfully. I still have some thoughts and negative feelings lingering over. But at least I will be able to work. 

What has happened so suddenly? I was doing well until last week!

Numb/AK

I'm back, to write some more. Because I'd rather do it here than tell anyone such a tragic thing.

Can't believe AK is no more. Not that we stayed in touch actively. I always wondered what was up with him after reading his social media posts. And we did interact a fair bit when I wrote for him for the magazine. I had a nagging doubt that he took his own life. His posts were always dark and strange but back then, I was still so reticent of starting a conversation with anyone. I didn't know how to deal with what they'd have to tell me. 

I don't say that it would have helped him if we spoke. Don't I know that it doesn't. But it's quite numbing, honestly. Especially when HS told me that he died by suicide and had stopped taking medication for BPD. Frankly, I'm a bit scared. Can't help thinking about the night I was coming back from Hoppipola. I was so low and dejected. And out of nowhere, I had this thought, 'What's the point in going on if this is how one feels all the time?' There's no purpose, no joy, the heart and the mind don't cooperate. It feels so hollow. And meaningless. 

Right now, I just keep reminding myself that it's too soon. I have been on a treatment only for a couple of months and it takes times to have positive effects. 

All the same, I feel like I'm climbing up a muddy slope in rain. The slush keeps making one slip down. During treks, there's usually someone more efficient you can rely on, who will give you a hand. And you know you will make it there alright.  

Stop talking

Ugh. It was so easy to keep things to myself earlier. All these years, no one really knew what I was thinking or going through or feeling. But now I have laid it all open. I think I regret it. It was such an impulsive thing to do. And now that I have started, I cannot stop. I'm talking, talking, talking all the time. With so many people. Too many people know me now. And I can't tell why I dislike that so much. I am fond of all of them. They are all so good to me and smart, awesome people. Why do I still feel guilty about opening up? It doesn't make sense. But nothing does these days. 

I feel like such an attention-whore. Every day I think I will only pour my heart out either here or on the WhatsApp self-chat but I end up chatting with so many friends. 

I also have this new thing creeping up. I'm a chill, fun person when I'm just getting to know someone. And it feels natural; like, I don't pretend to be as such. But once they come closer, out comes my real sad fucking self. I let my guard down. I feel I'm becoming thoughtless. My issues are no one's burden to bear. Why should I be saddling them with it? Making them worry about me and my well-being. It's an added task, being there for me, making sure I am okay when everyone has their own demons to deal with. 

I'm going to try harder till I reach the same point again. To deal with my crap on my own. For that, I really need to stop talking so much first!