Faces of pretence

I do wonder if I have imagined all the problems and if I overreact or if I don't know how to handle my emotions and I'm just being a whiny wuss. It's an odd and even vain thing to do, take selfies when you're having a breakdown. But I want this to serve be 'photographic evidence' what it can be like.

The evening began with incredible restlessness and hyperactivity. Then I calmed down but dipped a bit too low. And, I had to drink to feel better but that's never a good idea. I had a breakdown. Then, exhausted and all energy tapped out, I wanted to see if I could smile convincingly. Apparently, I could. People loved the fourth pic. SKS even said I looked hot. 

And that's what I've been thinking about. I can pretend too darned well. I feel like such a hypocrite. But I'm not doing this to harm anyone or with malicious intent, so, I don't think I will care. 

I want to undo things I've done in the last one year. I want to make people believe I'm back to being my old self. Maybe that way I will make myself believe it, too. 

I'm amazed at how easily AS believed me today that he's not responsible for what I've become. I didn't say anything because I'd rather suffer than hurt him. Because I might still be able to deal with it better. Because that's always what it has been like with me. I CANNOT open up. I get paralysed. And I know what a good guy he is. Then he had to mention about the emotions attached and I felt so ashamed. Why don't I feel the same? I don't know what I feel. 

I'm curious about how quickly his demeanour changed once he was sure he isn't the reason or that I'm probably not going anywhere. It was like being our old selves again. The same thing that pushed me till here. The same pretence of understanding when inside I wanted it to just fucking stop. Hardly talking about me. Just listening and sympathising. 

This is how it will always be.