What am I doing?

What the actual fuck am I doing? There are people who still trust me. Who still think I can do things. Who think I'm reliable or someone they can be like. I wish I had that kind of belief in myself. 

I feel so jaded. I want to scream and tell them the person they know no longer exists. It's just her apparition now. But I can't get myself to disappoint them either. I still care. A lot. Just that this empathy is buried. Under layers of my own misapprehensions and self-doubt. 

I wonder what it will take to pull me out of this. To be my old self again.