Numb/AK

I'm back, to write some more. Because I'd rather do it here than tell anyone such a tragic thing.

Can't believe AK is no more. Not that we stayed in touch actively. I always wondered what was up with him after reading his social media posts. And we did interact a fair bit when I wrote for him for the magazine. I had a nagging doubt that he took his own life. His posts were always dark and strange but back then, I was still so reticent of starting a conversation with anyone. I didn't know how to deal with what they'd have to tell me. 

I don't say that it would have helped him if we spoke. Don't I know that it doesn't. But it's quite numbing, honestly. Especially when HS told me that he died by suicide and had stopped taking medication for BPD. Frankly, I'm a bit scared. Can't help thinking about the night I was coming back from Hoppipola. I was so low and dejected. And out of nowhere, I had this thought, 'What's the point in going on if this is how one feels all the time?' There's no purpose, no joy, the heart and the mind don't cooperate. It feels so hollow. And meaningless. 

Right now, I just keep reminding myself that it's too soon. I have been on a treatment only for a couple of months and it takes times to have positive effects. 

All the same, I feel like I'm climbing up a muddy slope in rain. The slush keeps making one slip down. During treks, there's usually someone more efficient you can rely on, who will give you a hand. And you know you will make it there alright.